new life, new me

this is it......new start for everything.......
after 8 months of sorrow and tears for my breakup......



 i'm growing up.............

 

i'm growing strong......stronger............

it's time to let go.....

i know this is the time to stand tall again.......
be who i am.....

i feel better now....

although the scars never heal....but at least it will never bleed again......

never again......

i must be thankful

at least we still can be frens.......

ya.....and i'm with my other frens....my family....

i'm lucky......

it's time to move on..........

looking to the sky ......
i know i've found my way.........my life...........

ya...i'm with me ....myself.......only me...........

so, u think that my life without guys anymore...........

and my parents very very happy now, b'cos i'm still single and available....

they want to help me to find mr.right......

well, i told them, i rather be single....for the rest of my life.......

until today, i still blame my parents on this.....
ya, i have to thank them, they make me realize that actually i'm not that in love with my ex......ya, i have to admit that.....but i still blame them because the way they tear us apart is too cruel.....
until today, i still cry....because i'm very very sorry for my ex.....he loves me so much but i took this relationship too easily.......n i break his heart..........

sorry...i'm sorry.......so so sorry.....
but i need to move on ....my single life.....

well, but, there are still some guys that appeared in my life.......

so, is the end of year 2009.......i went thru this year very hard.....

on 1st of jan 2010....i wish my ex happy new year....but we are not happy at all...
what a grief year!!!!

but....i started to pack my heart.....

and until i meet another guy......

7th of jan........
ok...i'm not gonna reveal this guy....just called him J.....

well, this time, i can say this guy is totally rich......maybe is my parents ideal boyfren for me....
but he devorced and left a 9-year old daughter.........
and he is a smoker.........
but......because of he is rich......


ok...stop this...am i mention he is rich........ok...wait...

i got to know J from one of my sis in campus.....

well, at start.....i just think about as fren with him only.....

well, we chat on the phone and we met up after 2 days.......

oh, gosh.....
what happen?
ok....because he just broke up with his ex, and so am i.....so, we understand each other feeling and we share alot...

then, during that nite on our first meet.....
he ask me to be his galfren.....

WHAT!!!!

NOT AGAIN!!!

i told him again n again......too fast and i don't wan bad memories happen again.....

i reject this......

but, strange....we still chat every nite..........
i even go out with him.....

even my frens thought that we are couple...but we are not.....

actually, sometimes, i got think about to start relationship with him.....but i stop.....

i keep notice him......
and give him chances....

but, i still can't accept him.....he is too agresif......
he is not the wan i want........

we are in the different world.....

but he still never give up on me......
sometimes, he will scold at me if i done things wrong, but i know he cares about me....
he even help me to slove many problems, help me to realief my stress and my sorrow.......

but i keep telling myself that he is so dangerous, i must be very carefull....
if i sink to his love ocean......it will hard for me to escape...and i really don't wan hurt anyone.....
luckily he understand this.....slowly, he let me go.........

before this, like i said b4, i still have other guys in my life......AJ and Sean......

well, they even got tendency to start relationship with me......but i really discover myself not ready for this......i gave them hope but finally reject them......

i hurt them so much.....until they don't wan talk with me anymore.......

i lost two of my best fren.......AJ and Sean.......

well, J still got contact with me....but we very clear....we are frens.......good

well, now, everybody hates me now....cos i'm a heartbreaker......

i always remember what Sean told me: stop pretending when u are not!!!

but well, i very sad now....suddenly i feel so lonely..... i lost so many frens....and i lost my frens.......
so so lonely......

well, all my frens found their mr.right....and i'm very very happy for them.......

well, to my ex, AJ, Sean.....and other frens that i've hurt....i'm very sorry and please take care......

and to all my frens who are in love now............i wish all the best and happiness for u all.......

and i gonna stay alone.....continue my single life.......i don't want anything anymore.....
no more broken hearts and sorrow.....
i just wan to focus on my study.........my family........

now, my parents keep asking me if i got start any relationship or not...i say i'm single and they are happy....

ok, mum and dad.....is that u want????
ok, well, i'm gonna be single.........
i do this because i really want to let u guys know that.....u guys already hurt me, deeply hurt me.......mum and dad.........and i'm gonna be widow because of u guys......

i'm fine.....
i'm gonna face this world alone......
sorry my parents, i still wanna blame u guys.....
i know u do this for my own good...but for sudden i really can't accept this....
i lost my dream, my future....i have to choose everything that i don't like..........
i become teacher because both of u, i become widow also because of u.....

i'm sorry......

but i'm very very fine....don't worry mum n dad.....
actually i just want to express my feelings.......
because i'm so sorrow now......and no one can hold me.....i become a very cruel person, always hurt other people and finally i lost many frens......

but, mum and dad....
i still love u guys no matter what......
i'll continue my study......
i'll live my life......
i'll alway be your good daugther.....
i'll make u guys proud.......

thanks...mum and dad.....thanks to all my sisters and frens........

i'm gonna face this world...alone

well, it's been a crazy crazy moment since i met my soulmate and until today......i met quite a lot of guys in life.....
crazy...so crazy........
i even don't believe this is happen in my life!!!
with advance from face book.....i really can get connected with so many people......

until i met this guy..........

well, his sister is one of the teacher lived near-by.........quite near to my college.........
she knew me during a BBQ gathering on sept o9......on that time.....they were having a joke to hook me up with her brother........whom is working in selangor.....

well, i never put this seriously until 4th of October 09.......she brought me to meet him......her brother..........

ok...this is sound very very crazy........

we meet, we talk......
ok......i always easily to get good impression at the first time.....
so, i guess he fell in love with me....
but for me, i not yet ready.....but still i never reject to make friend with him.....

we sms everyday.....then, we got to know each other.......much better......
he even called me on 7th october.....
and we chat until mid-night.........


it all happen too fast.......
on 16th october, we meet for the 2nd time n i even stay in his hostel.....

what??? so fast la.......until today, i still can't believe this............
but don't think wrong, we haven't start anything yet..........just a trip for me to know each other better......

but ........
don't know how.......he ask me to be his galfren.....on the last day of trip....

what??? god! too fast la.....i told him.......
but he said, u never try, never know...just try.........

ok.....well, after he kept asking me for this....and i think...ya...just try ma......no promises.....so , why not? i'm too open-minded la......

so, funny....we are on.....
so so fast .....so sudden.....

i still don't believe this.....we know each other not more than one month but we already a couple.......

he is my first bf......and i'm his first galfren.....
this is our first love.....

so, almost every week.....we meet each other and enjoy our weekend.....
and i even met his family.......

wait....stop

this is just too fast.....
actually i'm not ready for all this yet.....but i still carry on......

and he even gave me the best birthday moment that i will never forget......

so, after we been togather for one month....i brought him back to met my parents.....

but we never knew....this is the twist of everything......

the next day....i get strongly objection from my mum from being togather with him........
she keeps mouling about this the whole day.........well, they think that i can find the better one.......
i got no choice.....i called him and cry and cry.....................

i can't do anything.....anymore.......

but we still togather......
but we are not happy as ussual.....

for time to time, i get reminder calls from my mum......telling me i should stop this relationship.......
but i really try my best to hold this relationship......

so, sometimes we break, sometimes we make up.......
again and again......
until he can't stand anymore.....
then we comes to some conflicts here.....

i really don't know how......

but then, he still give me chance....we even celebrate christmas togather.........

but at last, when i get the call from my daddy.........

finally,i choose to end the relationships.....

27th december......
after the last happiness of christmas.....

we break...

is the end....

i can only filled my life with tears.......
and i know he is the unlucky victim.....he heart breaks......
i can feel his sorrow........
i'm very sorry for him......
but is too late......
i have to stop before everything get worse.......

it is better to have short term of sorrow than the long term sadness......

so, we end this 3 -month relationship........

but we still fren, sometimes we still got contact......
but very very less........

so, i back to my single life.......
luckily i still got my soulmate, and another fren, AJ and not to forget all my sisters and frens who help me get thru this hardship.......


so, my first love is gone..............

take care, my fren........

~my birthday cake~

~my teddy~





~sweet roses~

now i know, i'm not ready for serious relationship

what happen?

suddenly i feel so bad..........................
still worry about him............................

during hari raya holiday, we went things good.......................as usual , he is my best soul mate...........
but , i can't feel more than that anymore.................................

i lost it.................................

no more love story, just friendship..............................


things just so strange.....................

while u are single, u wish u can start a relationship, however , when the chance is here, i really unable to ready for this ......................................

i prefer single now..........................

ok ok, don't get me wrong....................
i really still single ............................
we haven't start anything yet........................
we are just soul mate..............................

my friends told me not to worry, just remains our friendship..........................


so, i still in between.......in Chinese we called 暧昧........................

should i stay, or should i go?

ok ok .....i keep telling my self, we are just soul mates(知己)......................

what if love can't take it over?

dame! i hate myself!
i hate myself for loving him!
what's going on?
i wonder.........................
suddenly, everything changed.......

i met a few guys, other guys.....................
then, the comparisons start....
yeah, he is a very good guy, he cares about me, he got a stable job.........
but what? why?
suddenly, i afraid............................
i afraid he loves me, i afraid he confess with me he loves me...............................
i like him, i love him, but only as soulmate..........................

maybe for what?
i don't know...............................

suddenly, my parents not allow me to go out with him.....................................
they want me to stay away from him.........................
why??
ok. i admit that..................he is not that rich.............................

my mum asked me to find a rich guy.......................................
but for me, true love is not about the money................................
so, i still love him................................


but , nowadays, i really worry about his health....................
he is not a real healthy guy.....................
so i really worry..............................
what's going on?
my love for him is fading...........................

i just not ready, i'm not really to fall in love and start any relationship....

ok, lucky he still didn't make any move.........................
i really scare to hurt him.......................................
i afraid if we start something, i'll hurt him if i dump him....................................

so, ya, we just friend.........................only soul mates..............................
i have to keep this friendship................................

when love takes over (PART 2)

so, that's was the first time we met.........

the next day......i woke up with a wide smile on my face......everything was sweet yesterday.........

then, next two days.......at nite.....suddenly........i got his msg.......he said "hi".........

that was the first time.......the 1st time i chat so long with a guy....in Chinese.....(u know i hate msg in chinese)
in our chat, he ask me about my birthday, then he even ask me out......
i told him that he have to wait until next time i come back(about 2 months).......he said he can wait for me......now i know.......this guy got a little feeling on me.........yeah!

so, that night, we chat until 1.00 am......that was also my 1st time chat so late.....


......................


then, next few days, we chat again.......but i was tired.....because it was saturday.......the next day, i have to go back to stupid campus early in the morning........

on sunday morning, i took bus to go back to campus..........luckily got him sms with me.........
i thank him because can accompany me to chat........he told me he is happy to chat with me........so we keep on sms until i got up to the kl-lipis bus............


so, back to normal life in campus......hell.......many ass.........busy busy busy........
although i am very busy.....but from time to time.....i was thinking of him.......then i smile.......
my life seems happier when i think of him........

after a week, finally i got his sms......then we chat........about life.......he talk about his work......
i talk about my study.......i was surpised ......we can chat really crazy.......really long.......

so, my life in campus seems a little bit different...........i got him in my heart......and when i stress......i'll think of him.......then i smile.......

HEY! am i crazy? now i realize.....i think i falling in love..........


then, we got practicum.....this time.....is two months..........
the worst is, i stay in aunty house(my student's house)


so, my life was worst......busy......
after school time, i need to have tuition with my student........
no choice.....i need money............

how about him?

yeah! he kept sms me! twice a week......mostly at night.........
so, my whole practicum life........seems he is by my side.....
he always ask about my teaching life......and really take care of my health.......

from our conversation.....we always thank each other, wish well in each other, appreciate each other.......
whenever i get stress, he will always be there for me....ask me how i feel.......wish me good luck.......
i never get lonely.......


but, u know, sms with him sometimes can be very inconvenience .........

why i say so?
because of aunty(my student's mum)..........

she found out that i always sms at nite......no sleep......no teach her daugther.......
so, i have to hide my phone everytime when i sms.......and pretent i already sleep when aunty enter to our bed room( ya,i slept with her daugther).............

so sad.......want to sms also hard......

but when we chat.....i really forget everything.........only him in my head........i smile all the time...... he makes me really happy.......and i'm really glad that he is happy to chat with me too......
he said that he is very lucky to know me........
so......both of ur turn to be soul mates.........

so, during practicum( 2 months)....i was falling into the ocean of love.....i'm sink......i'm drowning in his love.......
ok....we are not lovers.....we are only soul mates........but i feel love..........LOVE.....

everynite i have sweet dreams......every morning i got smile on my face.........
i never feel so happy before.........i really can't believe......i can't live without him anymore.........

so, sms sms sms(ya, he is a shy guy, he never called me, just sms)
one day, he even told me about his love life......he get dump by his gal fren.......he is very sad.....
he feels really touch because i made him feel better and happier.........

i cry.......i cry for him......suddenly.........................
i realize something.......only him know how to appreciate me........i born to make him happy.......
only 4 letter words to describe: L....O....V....E


the more we chat, the more i miss him......
i really want to meet him again......he also said this to me..............
but, really......we are juz soul mates.......nothing more..........

until his birthday(31st july)......i really can't give him anything because i'm still in practicum........
so, i dicided to call him........

ok, normally.....we will chat until 11 pm( i always have to sleep early).....
but on 30th july.....i told him that i want to chat with him until midnite........

so, we chat n chat(sms)......until 12 am.......i called him........this is the 1st time i call to a guy to wish him happy birthday.......my hand was shaking well i dial his number.........
,
finally, i can hear his voice.....so soft.....so sweet.......i was melting......my talk gets stutter......
i wish him happy birthday........he was shock.......actually he himself allredy forget his own birthday.......oh poor guy......he just too busy working..........he get speechless..........

the next day, he sms me again......he told me he was too happy........he really thank me for remember his birthday........he even told me that his ex never do this on him........
oh.....suddenly.....i was touch.......i realize how much he needs me, just like the way i need him........
ah! what a miracle!

so.........hard things comes to the end........2 months pass like that......

woohoo! it's time to go back!
back to my hometown! my paradise! heaven!
and meet him!
i never feel so HAPPY like this!

on my way back to home....my sweet home........
i never feel so good.........i just keep smiling...........sunshine above me...........


so......what will happen during holiday? will we meet?
what will be his reaction when he meet me?
he promised me he will ask me out........
oh my god! I CAN'T WAIT!!!!



(to be continue)

when love takes over

ya....i couldn't believe this.......this year(2009) can considered as my lucky year......
i social more, i laugh more,i'm more confident ,i'm happier......
most of all ............i guess i falling in love....


ya.....i start to love again.....i dare to face love life....
instead of get loves from frens and family,i 'm ready, i'm ready to accept love from someone else, someone special.......this is totally difference.......i'm ready for the new me......
of course, i have to thank my frens, especially my campus 7 sisters......
they always support me and help me thru my life.....
they give me hope......they changed me.......

i started to get to know more frens, more time to hang outside....i know frens are the most important things in my life now.....i can't be alone forever......

my 7 sisters really help me in this......thanks....i just love u guys.....and realize i can't live without u all..........



so....i changed my self......i even got my facebook, my blog........
i exposing my self to more people outthere.i show my self confidently.......


and i'm so happy can find back my old school frens too!and more frens......


and guess what? now i even found a true soul mate........
ya........
ok. maybe he is introduced by my sister in my hometown, but till today i still can't believe both of us can move on so well.



still remember the 1st day we met, me n my sis, he n his best pal(my sis boss).my sis and her boss just intensionly hook us up........well, at 1st, i really think of nothing.....ai ya....juz as frens ma.......then as we having time talking.....i started to realize.....hey, he might be the one........
we really got most in common.....our views, our points....we juz go along things so well.........


so, then.....he drove me n my sis back home......althought his car is not that BMW or Ferrari.....but when i sit beside him in his car, i feel myself like a princess.....ya......don't know why this feeling comes to my mind.......then, he borrows me his Kelly Clarkson CD (because he was tune in the songs in car on that moment).then, before i get down form his car,i make the 1st move, i asked for his number......hey, i juz can't resist his smile......he is a very shy guy.......but i can feel that he was notice at me....

ok, well.....what's next? will we get in touch again? can we make up to the next level?who knows?
wait and see!

(to be continue)